In life, we don't get a manual on How To Improve Relationships

There is no software program to upload to our brains. No wonder that despite our best hopes, intentions, and efforts we find ourselves frustrated with family and friends, repeating the same patterns that don't get us the love and connection for which we long. No wonder the Relationships Section at the bookstore is huge! People have been trying to figure this out for years. You don't have time to read all the books, but maybe you are ready to learn and work on it with some direct support. Below I share about my approach with couples and individuals both in direct relationship therapy and in educational workshops.

My Approach

I have been studying relationships formally and informally for over almost 20 years. I feel fortunate to have trained with leaders in the field. seasoned professional mentors, and have been informed by various approaches to attachment, boundaries, conflict resolution, non-violent and assertive communication, differentiation in development, and mindfulness,.  First, I maintain a safe and non-judgemental space to explore and unpack what has not been working for you. There may be times that I ask questions and reflect observations that can help you make connections or see things from a different perspective. As it applies, I'll introduce tangible concepts, tools, and skills to help you make the changes you want to see. One could describe my approach like that of a teacher and coach who is curious, supportive, and believes in a person's ability to change their life and love patterns.

Couples Therapy

I am honored to walk along side a variety of couples in a spectrum of relational configurations: married, engaged, partnerships, LGBTQ+, proactive folks, and relationships in crisis. You may be wanting to strengthen the already great foundation of your positive relationship—-awesome! We take good care of our cars to help them last long and work optimally; why wouldn’t we do the same for our most important relationship?! You may be eager to jump on some emerging concerns before they take root and further erode your closeness and intimacy. You may be navigating long-term chronic concerns or an acute crisis and crossroads in the future path together. Best way to determine if we might be a good fit for working together, starts with an initial call and then an initial session.

Since I’ve been on the other side of the couch, I advocate for couples to get the most out of their investment of time, energy, and financial resources. Therefore I often recommend an inventory assessment like the Prepare-Enrich Inventory or the Gottman Check-Up. Both of these are based in decades of research and provide us all a wealth of information about your strengths and growth areas according to your current experience of your relationship (the equivalent of nearly 5 sessions for the cost of less than 1/3 of one session). I also let folks know that inorder to see change it will require creating some time and space out of our meeting time. This may simply be individually taking intentional time to think about things and show up engaged with questions, observations, etc. It may include reading provided resources and eventually having intentional conversations with each other in order to implement and practice the new things in your relationship outside of the office.

It’s also ok if you don’t even know if you’re there yet! This may feel like a last desperate step or the first time trying counseling at all. Often folks start out discouraged and even ambivalent about the future of the relationship. I don’t have an agenda for the future because I don’t know what is best for you—only you can determine that. My commitment is to help both people get more clear about what they really want from the relationship, what they are willing to give towards it, and support actions of integrity so you can have a clear conscious and peace of mind as you move forward. Especially when there have been significant breeches in trust that make them question if repair is possible, I have helped couples navigate a “HEALING SEPARATION” which is a very intentional way to structure a period of time for rebuilding trust and exploring discernment in the relationship. (This does not always involve a physical separation).

Individual Relationship-focused Therapy

Perhaps you have been frustrated or dissatisfied with your friendships, coworkers, and family members and would like to find better ways to stand up for yourself but are afraid of the repercussions. Maybe you don't want to do anything directly with the relationship but you do want to change how the relationship impacts you and your reactions. Betrayal, manipulation, passive-aggressive behavior, belittling, indifference, codependency--any of these things could be part of your relationships. You don't have to continue those patterns or let the fear or residual hurt affect your heart's ability to trust and love again.  If you are the person on the other side who has broken trust and is trying to become a trustworthy person again--there is a place for you too!

Your relationship to yourself is the most important because it effects all of the others. I often work with people that want to become the best versions of themselves and not repeat the things they saw in their family growing up. Sometimes the obstacles to our best intentions are shame/guilt, low self-worth, or a lack of knowledge. You can't do better until you know better.

"How to avoid falling for a jerk"

I am a certified facilitator of this program and draw from the resources curated by Love Thinks. (Learn more here). I love their tag line, "how to follow your heart without loosing your mind." Based on years of research across the field of relationship studies, this is an approach to help take the guess work out of relationships and dating. It's based on the mission to empower individual growth and equip relationships based on understanding a basic Relationship Attachment Model (R.A.M.) that can help individuals understand their relationships and make informed choices rather than rolling the dice with trust and emotional investments. If you've ever felt like you wanted a relationship boot camp or a relationship recovery program, this may be something for you.